When we believe that all we need is love, we tend to ignore the fundamental values: respect, humility, and commitment to the people we care about. After all, if love is everything, why should I think of other things?
Truly healthy relationships require more than pure emotions or high passions, says writer and blogger Mark Manson. When we idealize feelings, seeing them as the solution to all problems, we tend to ignore other fundamental values, for example, respect, obligations to the people we care about …
In 1967 John Lennon wrote the song “All You Need Is Love.” He also beat both of his wives, abandoned one of his children, insulted his gay Jewish manager and once lay naked in front of a crowd of people all day.
Thirty-five years later, Nine Inch Nails’ Trent Reznor wrote the song “Love Is Not Enough.” Reznor, despite his notoriety for shocking stage performances and grotesque disturbing videos, got rid of drug and alcohol addiction, married the same woman, had two children with her, and then canceled subsequent studio and touring activities in order to stay at home and become a good husband and father.
One of these men has a clear and realistic understanding of love. The other does not. One of them idealizes love, seeing in it the solution to all problems. But another one does not. One of them probably suffered from narcissism. The second does not.
In our culture, many people idealize love. We see in it a panacea for all life’s problems. Our films and book stories mark it as the ultimate goal of life, the deliverance from all painful struggles. And because we idealize love, we overestimate it. As a result, we suffer..
When we believe that “all we need is love” like Lennon, we tend to ignore fundamental values: respect, humility, and commitment to the people we care about. After all, if love is everything, why should I bore myself with other things?
But if, like Reznor, we believe that “love is not enough,” we understand that healthy relationships require more than pure emotions or passion. We understand that there are things that are more important in our life and in our relationships than just being in love. And the success of our relationship depends on more important values.
Three bitter truths about love
The problem with idealizing love is that we develop unrealistic expectations about what love really is and what it can do for us. These unrealistic expectations then sabotage the relationships that we value. Let me illustrate:
1. WE DON`T ALWAYS LOVE THE PERSON WHO SUITS US
Just because you’ve fallen in love with someone it doesn’t mean he or she is a good long-term partner for you. Love is an emotional process, compatibility is a logical process. And they do not necessarily merge into each other.
You can fall in love with a person who does not treat you well, makes you feel and think of yourself worse than you are, does not respect you as much as you respect him, or who has such an unsettled life that he can make your own one go downhill.
You can fall in love with someone who has different ambitions or life goals that contradict yours, or someone whose philosophical beliefs or worldview conflicts with your sense of reality.
You can fall in love with someone who draws vitality and happiness out of you.
This is paradoxical, but true.
When you are looking for a partner and then dating, you should be guided not only by your heart, but also by your mind. Yes, you want to find someone who makes your heart flutter and the butterflies in your belly sing. But you also need to evaluate the person and notice how he treats people, what his worldview and ambitions are. Because if you fall in love with someone who doesn’t suit you – you’re going to have a bad time.
2. LOVE DOES NOT SOLVE RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS
My first girlfriend and I were madly in love with each other. We also lived in different cities, we had no money to see each other, our families hated each other, so we went through meaningless drama and quarrels.
And every time when we gave up, the next day we returned to each other and reminded ourselves that we are crazy about each other and that none of the little things matter, because we love each other and we will surely find a way to solve everything, we just need to wait and see. Our love made us feel like we could overcome everything, when in reality absolutely nothing changed.
As you can imagine, none of the problems were solved. Quarrels repeated. The arguments got tougher. We could not even really communicate normally. We hung on the phone for hours and said practically nothing. Now, looking back, I understand that there was no hope. But, nevertheless, it lasted three damn years!
After all, love conquers everything, right?
The roller coaster of emotions can be intoxicating, each climb seems more and more impressive, but until we have stable solid ground under our feet, the rush of emotions will eventually wash everything away.
3. LOVE IS NOT ALWAYS WORTH SACRIFICING
One of the important characteristics of loving someone is your ability to think about that person, about his needs more than about yourself. But the question that is rarely asked is: “What are you sacrificing for another, and is it worth it?”
In a loving relationship it is normal for both to sometimes sacrifice their desires, their needs, and their time for the other. This is an adequate and healthy behavior and that is what makes the relationship really cool.
But when it comes to damaging self-esteem, physical condition, ambition and a purpose in life just to be with someone, love becomes problematic. The love relationship is intended to be an addition to our personality, not a threat or a substitute for it.
If we find ourselves in a situation where we endure disrespectful or abusive behavior, then, in essence, we do the following: we allow our love to consume us and nullify us. If we are not careful, we will remain only as a shell of the person we once were.
