Do not ban, but limit: how to set rules for parents and adolescents to use social networks

So, parents, are you ready to tame social networks and their hidden influence on you and your children? Now it’s time to review family habits of using smartphones and set new rules. Family psychotherapist K. Glushenko explains why banning social networks for teenagers will not work, but it is possible and necessary to control the time they spend with smartphones.

Why are social networks so important for teenagers?

It is always important for teenagers to feel like being a part of the community. We call this a “reference group”. At all times, adolescent communities have had their own set of qualities and traits to demonstrate that you are cool and important.  Some years ago, these were video games, for example. For modern teenagers, such a feature is the culture of social networks on the Internet: YouTube channels, bloggers, podcasts, tickers, etc. Subscribing to a cool blogger and following his life gives the teenager a sense of belonging to something bigger, to a community that shares values ​​and interests.

At the same time, social networks are a space where you can show yourself to the world in the way that benefits me: having a successful, rich and bright life. So, this is a way to collect likes and increase your self-esteem. We need to understand that teenagers have always wanted and needed approval from their peers. It’s just that they used to get it in the yard of their house, in sports sections, and now – on social networks.

Does it  turn out that social networks replace real situations where a teenager can increase self-esteem?

If a teenager has opportunities for self-expression through sports, creativity, language activities, hobbies or interests, then social networks become additional, not the main space for self-realization. If the family has respect for the separation of the adolescent, there is acceptance of the adolescent and his self-expression in the way he chooses, if there is a circle of communication and trust, the adolescent receives a balance of support, approval, encouragement and feedback from peers in real relationships. Then it will be enough for a teeneger to spend an hour a day on social networks to make his own update of events to find out what happened to his friends during the day.

Why do we like to spy on other people’s lives on social networks?

We have always been interested in learning and seeing how other people live. There is a biological basis for this – this is how society develops: we look at other people. It’s almost like watching an interesting, beautiful movie or TV series: there are emotions, a rich life and a message: “Everything can happen, you just have to really want it and make an effort.” We like to look at such an alternative reality, especially if our own is not very satisfying. For a teenager, this is a visualization of the desired life. Earlier, for the same reason, teenagers read love or adventure novels – found a way to another world. Social networks very skillfully play on our needs and weaknesses.

Why is it so difficult for teenagers to control their time on social networks?

This is a problem not only for adolescents but also for adults. After all, when we dive into the social network, we lose touch with reality. People feel the flow of time through the body: we keep track of what we do, what changes in the body have occurred (for example, I want to drink, I’m already hungry). Time for us is a combination of tactile and kinesthetic sensations from different organs. When we scroll the screen, our attention is completely there, so time seems to disappear.

When do teenagers have an excessive desire to “hang out” on social media?

Addiction to social media emerges as an alternative to attachment: when a teenager lacks close and trusting relationships. Another danger of social networks is that they guarantee the remoteness and anonymity of everything we write there. It’s one thing to say something in a person’s eyes, but quite another one – when you can hide behind a nickname and write anything. Such anonymity on social networks encourages free expression of negative assessments, opinions, comments, hatred. If the culture of accepting negative feelings (irritation, anger, dissatisfaction) is not supported in real life (at home, among friends), then all this will merge where possible – in the social network. The task of parents is not to ban social networks: let’s be realistic – we will not succeed, and we should not. Instead, it is necessary to help teenagers to become more conscious users of social networks: teach them to control their time, to consider what kind of comments they post.

Excessive “hanging” on social media does not appear suddenly. It’s all about parents, who often “stick” to phones or tablets after work, do not give their children an example of other pastimes or self-realization. If a small child has a choice: to play with a real adult or to play a game on a tablet, he will always choose a living person. But we often tell them, “I’m busy, take the gadget and have fun”. So when we see a teenager who does not take his head off the smartphone, we must admit: this problem has required the attention of parents for a long time already.

How to set effective and adequate rules for teenagers to use social networks?

We should start not with teenagers, but with ourselves

Requiring a teenager to read a book or do something useful while mom and dad scroll Facebook – these are double standards. Whatever rules you suggest at home, be prepared to follow them yourself, otherwise they will not work. If your children are still young, it’s time to establish a family consensus on using smartphones. From an early age, a child should know that parents have time for him: to play active games, go for a walk, do sports or something creative together. All this guarantees that gadgets and social networks will not be so attractive when he becomes a teenager.

Discuss first, then set the rules

Remember, you have the right to set family rules for the safety and health of children. It doesn’t make you bad parents, it makes you and your children responsible users of digital technology. All the rules should be discussed first in the family circle so that everyone agrees to follow them.

• No smartphones during meals

When you eat with your family, it’s time for lively communication and attention to each other: to share how the day went, to remember funny or sad moments. It may take an effort from parents, but it’s worth it.

• No gadgets before bed

Turn off all sources of blue light – tablets, phones, computers at least 1-2 hours before bedtime. Our brain needs it to calm down and get ready for sleep. You can set limits on the router’s settings: so that the Wi-Fi signal turns off at a certain time and the period without gadgets begins.

• No charging at the bedside

Allocate a place to charge gadgets in the room where you do not sleep. Be it not near the sofa or bed to remove the temptation to reach for the phone, which is charging while you are having a rest.

• Limited time on social networks

Now it is difficult to talk about, because children’s education has also gone online. Therefore, it is necessary to divide the time in front of the screen for learning and time on social networks for entertainment. I advise you to have a gadget for learning, which does not have any entertainment applications or social networks, so that the teenager does not have the opportunity to distract his attention while the lesson is on. Or put “parental control” on such applications while studying.

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Arrange with your teen for 30-40 minutes of social media a day for fun. Set a timer or alarm that notifies you that the time is up. Here it is important for parents to realize: in this situation, adults need to be more disciplined – do not comfort yourself with the hope that the teenager will immediately fulfill your agreements and put down the smartphone in 40 minutes. Parents need to be responsible and remind themselves to follow the rules.